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i want to put fairy lights on my ceiling. the glow-in-the-dark stars have lost their shine. need new shelves. room being reorganised again. need air purifier. i can’t stay indoors. asthma kicks in even at work. everyday i can’t stay awake after 12 and wake up at 7. maybe i should take a trip to the countryside of Furano for the spring festival. next year. next year.

Whenever I am afraid,

I will trust in You

You number my wanderings;

Put my tears into Your bottle;

Are they not in Your book?

In God (I will praise His word),

In the Lord (I will praise His word),

In God I have put my trust;

I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?

Psalm 56:3,8,10-11

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O God, You are my God;

Early will I seek You;

My soul thirsts for You;

My flesh longs for You;

In a dry and thirsty land

Where there is no water.

Psalm 63:1

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realisation. i talk to strangers. everyday. i actually try to get to know them. i find it strange. you build a rapport. they come back. you make conversations. they know my name. i forget theirs. tired. tired. tired. long day and night tomorrow. one. two. three. here we go.

tired red eyes...waiting for my Nando's tenderloins!

watashi, Kyu-san, and Jake-san

“37 The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few. 38 Therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.” Matthew 9:37-38

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2 lives. i had two lives. now i live one. i stumbled on my other life. an anonymous blog. i read my posts. this other me. i was surprised. disgusted. i keep it to remember. who i was. what i was. i want that me to never return. she’s still there. lingering at the back of my mind. i must keep my guard up. focus. meditate. focus.

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i figured. what i’ve done. what i agreed to. is unfair. to the people around me. be honest. we have been selfish.

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early morning. work. came home for peace and quiet. noise. noise. noise. reading. patience. not all there yet.

“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.”
Proverbs 16:32

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gospel of matthew. teachings of Jesus. they are the most practical. i delight in the correction. i find a goal for character. i am humbled that i need this guidance. to be right. to be alive. to be in control.

1 “Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgement you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in you own eye? 6 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:1-6

Jesus had a sense of humor. practical and blunt humor. i have drawn from this passage one of my faults. learn to constantly examine my own faith first rather than to criticize others. have compassion for a brother/sister who is struggling with sin rather than to cast them aside. even if it takes years or a lifetime. my heart aches alongside those who struggle. but we are alive together in Christ who is our hope.

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21 Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”

22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. 23 Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. 26 The servant therefore fell down before him saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ 27 Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.

28 But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ 30 And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. 31 So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. 32 Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. 33 Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ 34 And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him.

35 So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”

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guilt can destroy a person. guilt can continue. i prayed for it to stop. it has left me. my heart is renewed. a new mind set. psalm 119. meditations. a new joy. thank you for not hardening my heart.

“And not only that,
but we also glory in tribulations,
Knowing that tribulation produces perseverance;
And perseverance, character;
And character, hope.”

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reorganising my room. it keeps my mind off things. have i given up. where was its worth if nobody is fighting to save it. need space for studies. storage space. shelves for my books. this was found in my pile of writings. i don’t know when i wrote it…

“When I first met you…again.”

I walked upon a wooden stage.
My eyes gazed into the crowd.
They fell on a girl with dark locks.
A fear hung above me like a cloud.

Again my eyes curiously fell on her.
Silent with no smile, but something there.
My young mind began to wonder.
In years I didn’t know she would be the friend I was after.

Her first words were short and simple.
I grinned my ever childish grin,
“Haven’t I seen you before?”
A nod and a ‘yes’ was all she said.

For so long I had prayed,
For a friend to fill my empty side.
People I loved never stayed and turned away.
My young heart was always so careless.

Years later she said to me,
“I love how the stars shine.”
Instead I saw her smile shine brightly.
“I wish I was an astronaut.”

-mf

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